Once again, a blog from son Brian and back-and-forth responses to same has triggered thoughts of my own on a couple of words he used together in one of the emails: Guilt and Yearning.
It’s a pretty sad thing to realize, especially to publicly admit, that much of my inner life has been fueled by and evinced by guilt and yearning.
I find myself meditating on the relationship between the two, if indeed there is a link. I’m going to ramble here as the thoughts try to find a place to light. How does a child learn to feel guilt? When does a child begin to feel yearning, if ever they do? We know about guilt in a legalistic way, but that’s a whole different topic. Everyday guilt is, according to The American Heritage Dictionary Third Edition, “Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong” and “Self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing”. Remorseful awareness is when we realize we have a conscience. The awareness of wrongdoing is important to live in a ‘civilized’ world. We stop at the stoplight. Most people are not criminals, yet some of those may not be criminals only because they don’t want to get caught.
But wrongdoing encompasses a wide range of actions. Barking at a store clerk when I’m tired and frustrated can induce guilt. Not calling someone when I promised. Talking behind someone’s back about him/her. The examples are numerous, and I believe that most of us know where we’ve missed the mark enough to feel some degree of guilt.
It’s the “self-reproach for supposed inadequacy…” that is my bête noire. It’s so easy for me to feel guilt about things I have no control over, or feel so totally inadequate that it’s no wonder something went wrong. I deal with this at some level virtually every day.
These feelings are usually accompanied by yearning. Yearning to be better, smarter, quicker, faster. Yearning to have someone in my life with whom to share the burden of guilt. Yearning for unconditional love. I’m not sure that guilt leads to yearning, or that yearning leads to guilt. But I know they are linked for me; when I feel capable and strong and good about myself, I don’t yearn for anything, because I know I have all that I need.
Brian’s father told me when I was very young (I was nothing but very young when he and I were together) that I was ‘other directed’. It sounded like a bad thing, being ‘other directed’. He said the alternative was ‘inner directed’, and it didn’t take me long to understand the difference between the two. I know many people who are ‘inner directed’ and they are confident, do not appear to be in thrall to guilt and yearning, and are unacquainted with the grief of self-doubt and regular mea culpas.
When someone says to me, “don’t take it personally", I understand what they mean, but to an ‘other directed’ person, it’s all personal. Inner strength is not an endless commodity for us ‘other directeds’; sometimes we fight our own demons for it, we pray for it. And we look to others for it.
David Reisman, a sociologist, wrote in his 1950 book The Lonely Crowd, "The other-directed person wants to be loved rather than esteemed", not necessarily to control others but to relate to them. Those who are other-directed need assurance that they are emotionally in tune with others.
This is difficult to write, but it’s important that I have some idea of my own psychology and behaviors. If I understand who I am, I can then begin to tackle the goals of the famous Serenity prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Peace.
June 23, 2009
June 17, 2009
Reunions
This year commemorates my 50th anniversary of graduation from Kenmore High School. [Ours was the last class to graduate from the school with that name. Future classes would graduate from Kenmore West (the same building) or Kenmore East. But our class was all together. All 791 of us (my memory could be off by some, but definitely at least the mid-700’s). No longer would cheerleaders shout “Let’s go, KHS! Let’s go, KHS!” at football and basketball games.]
Reunions offer an opportunity to reacquaint oneself with old friends and people who weren’t necessarily your friends way back when but turn out to be delightful people now and you want to know them better. It’s also a time for remembering those who didn’t live long enough to celebrate their 50th or maybe even their 25th, or in a few cases, their 10th reunions. It’s a time for memories, and for thanksgivings, and yes, even some “what if’s".
I’ve been registered on Classmates.com for several years, and it’s amazing to watch the increasing number of familiar names appearing on the list. People I hadn’t thought about in years, and I remember them now with fondness. I’m looking forward to see them all again. The six years of junior and senior high school—ages ~12-18—are arguably the most crucial years in our lives. The teen years are full of all manner of angst, wonder, fears, joys, emotional swings, and of course, bursts of hormones that seem uncontrollable. We put aside the ways of elementary school—we are “big kids” now that we change classrooms in junior high. We carry books home, we form our “packs” complete with the alphas, betas, and omegas of every pack. Until the time we graduate, our world is lived with this large group of people who matter to us. We make choices—who our friends are, who we shun (unfortunately), who we eat lunch with, who we choose for our teams. We begin in earnest to figure out who we are and where we fit in and where we think we want to be. And overall, to quote Mr. Dickens, “it was the best of times; it was the worst of times.”
The actual reunion events are in August, and I shall be there. But during the last month or so, I have already experienced three reunions with former classmates.
I have a friend in Buffalo with whom there has been an estrangement for almost 20 years. I can’t remember why; I remember disagreements, but there had to have been more. I love this former friend no matter what, and perhaps she feels the same about me. I phoned her over a month ago and we spoke a bit, but I haven’t phoned her back. Do I fear rejection? I wasn’t rejected when I phoned before, so why would she reject me now? I need to call her again.
There’s another woman I knew peripherally in high school, and when we met again at our informal 20th reunion in 1979, she and I found each other to be kindred spirits in several ways. Over the following decade, we saw each other briefly and infrequently, as we lived in different cities. But we maintained irregular contact over the years—a Christmas card here, the rare phone call there. She lives now in Southern California and I’m in San Jose. She called me when she had to put down her beloved horse—perhaps her best friend over those 19 years of his life. The weekend before last I went to visit her, our first encounter in well over 20 years. I’m embarrassed to count up the hours we talked and talked and talked—we told our stories that began in high school and continued until the present, and we even tiptoed into discussing our future as single and aging women. She has struggled with breast cancer, this dear friend, and is as upbeat and cheerful as ever; her smile alone would convert a curmudgeon.
In high school, our homerooms were assigned alphabetically. Having the last name Woodward, I was in the last group, and the only room available was the wood shop. Boy, did we luck out! We had the smallest homeroom (and the wonderful scent of wood), full of W’s, Y’s, Z’s, and a few stragglers who must have been new to the school. One of the boys, “Z”, was the shyest boy, but he was cute and something attracted me. For some reason I don’t remember, I was pretty sure he sorta liked me, too, but, as I said, he was shy. One time, perhaps from a basketball game, or dance (would he have even gone to a dance?), he walked me home, and we stood for a long time on the sidewalk in front of my house. Who knows what those two 15-16 year olds talked about? School? Dreams? Future? I saw him briefly at the 25th reunion, and he called me after that. But only once, and I didn’t see him again. A month or so ago, one of the reunion organizers emailed me and said that “Z” had asked her if she knew how to contact me. She wrote me with his contact information and asked if she had my permission to give him mine. Yes! Of course, my answer was yes. “Z” and I have twice had fairly lengthy phone conversations, and I’ve enjoyed them both. We have led very different adult lives, he and I, and our world views are quite different. But I still look forward to seeing him in August. We never forgot about each other. We still care.
More to come.
Reunions offer an opportunity to reacquaint oneself with old friends and people who weren’t necessarily your friends way back when but turn out to be delightful people now and you want to know them better. It’s also a time for remembering those who didn’t live long enough to celebrate their 50th or maybe even their 25th, or in a few cases, their 10th reunions. It’s a time for memories, and for thanksgivings, and yes, even some “what if’s".
I’ve been registered on Classmates.com for several years, and it’s amazing to watch the increasing number of familiar names appearing on the list. People I hadn’t thought about in years, and I remember them now with fondness. I’m looking forward to see them all again. The six years of junior and senior high school—ages ~12-18—are arguably the most crucial years in our lives. The teen years are full of all manner of angst, wonder, fears, joys, emotional swings, and of course, bursts of hormones that seem uncontrollable. We put aside the ways of elementary school—we are “big kids” now that we change classrooms in junior high. We carry books home, we form our “packs” complete with the alphas, betas, and omegas of every pack. Until the time we graduate, our world is lived with this large group of people who matter to us. We make choices—who our friends are, who we shun (unfortunately), who we eat lunch with, who we choose for our teams. We begin in earnest to figure out who we are and where we fit in and where we think we want to be. And overall, to quote Mr. Dickens, “it was the best of times; it was the worst of times.”
The actual reunion events are in August, and I shall be there. But during the last month or so, I have already experienced three reunions with former classmates.
I have a friend in Buffalo with whom there has been an estrangement for almost 20 years. I can’t remember why; I remember disagreements, but there had to have been more. I love this former friend no matter what, and perhaps she feels the same about me. I phoned her over a month ago and we spoke a bit, but I haven’t phoned her back. Do I fear rejection? I wasn’t rejected when I phoned before, so why would she reject me now? I need to call her again.
There’s another woman I knew peripherally in high school, and when we met again at our informal 20th reunion in 1979, she and I found each other to be kindred spirits in several ways. Over the following decade, we saw each other briefly and infrequently, as we lived in different cities. But we maintained irregular contact over the years—a Christmas card here, the rare phone call there. She lives now in Southern California and I’m in San Jose. She called me when she had to put down her beloved horse—perhaps her best friend over those 19 years of his life. The weekend before last I went to visit her, our first encounter in well over 20 years. I’m embarrassed to count up the hours we talked and talked and talked—we told our stories that began in high school and continued until the present, and we even tiptoed into discussing our future as single and aging women. She has struggled with breast cancer, this dear friend, and is as upbeat and cheerful as ever; her smile alone would convert a curmudgeon.
In high school, our homerooms were assigned alphabetically. Having the last name Woodward, I was in the last group, and the only room available was the wood shop. Boy, did we luck out! We had the smallest homeroom (and the wonderful scent of wood), full of W’s, Y’s, Z’s, and a few stragglers who must have been new to the school. One of the boys, “Z”, was the shyest boy, but he was cute and something attracted me. For some reason I don’t remember, I was pretty sure he sorta liked me, too, but, as I said, he was shy. One time, perhaps from a basketball game, or dance (would he have even gone to a dance?), he walked me home, and we stood for a long time on the sidewalk in front of my house. Who knows what those two 15-16 year olds talked about? School? Dreams? Future? I saw him briefly at the 25th reunion, and he called me after that. But only once, and I didn’t see him again. A month or so ago, one of the reunion organizers emailed me and said that “Z” had asked her if she knew how to contact me. She wrote me with his contact information and asked if she had my permission to give him mine. Yes! Of course, my answer was yes. “Z” and I have twice had fairly lengthy phone conversations, and I’ve enjoyed them both. We have led very different adult lives, he and I, and our world views are quite different. But I still look forward to seeing him in August. We never forgot about each other. We still care.
More to come.
June 3, 2009
Seven Words That Changed My Life
I was married to a man who, I’ve concluded, was probably the most insecure man I’ve ever known. I’ve told him that in recent years, but I doubt that he truly heard it. I was very young, early 20’s, when we met, was uneducated past high school (save three agonizing months at my local university), and about as down as one could be. He rescued me from myself, and gave me some tools with which I could deal with my demons. We married a few years later, despite my own misgivings. How I loved him! My heart took full control over my head and my better sense, and besides that I was afraid to be alone, on my own, with my two little boys.
My husband used to tell me that my impressions of something—often his behavior—were “only my perception”. I heard that so many times, during infidelities, during times when I commented on his differential treatment of his children and my children. There were to be no “our” children, but I had agreed to that before we married, so I couldn’t push the issue. Over the months and years of psychological put-downs, referring to the way I looked at things to be “just my perception”, I began to doubt my judgment, felt inadequate, and wondered how he could love such a person who continued to have erroneous perceptions.
I started working for a friend of my husband who was conducting a research study and he needed some help with handling the data. I had no experience, so he (my new boss) suggested I take a class in Fortran. That was fun, let me tell you! NOT! Since I was taking one class in the morning, I decided to take another one on the alternate afternoons. Sociology 101 seemed like just the ticket, and it was reinforced by the fact that my husband knew the woman professor and liked her.
I remember that it was the first day of class, and when the students were coming into the class, the professor was writing in large letters across the entire width of the blackboard this sentence: Anything perceived is real in its consequence. ANYTHING PERCEIVED IS REAL IN ITS CONSEQUENCE. My heart beat harder, my breath quickened, and at that moment, I began to grow. Why had I never known this? Why didn’t I realize that on my own, without being told? But most of all—thank God I just learned this!
It took just a few years after that and some intensive sessions with a psychotherapist, but that sentence started me on a journey to selfhood, a sense of freedom and autonomy that I’d never had. Anything perceived is real in its consequence. Wow! OK, tell me that the fact that you’re staying out later and later and that a woman keeps calling you is just my perception and that she’s just a client. Yeah, my perception. Not only was the perception my own reality, it was reality. I learned to trust my gut, now that I disallowed the psychological abuse of “it’s only your perception”.
I went back to school full time after a bit, graduated Summa Cum Laude from SUNY Buffalo, and after our divorce, I received an M.A. from the same university.
I trust my perceptions. They are my reality, and what I perceive leads to what I do, how I behave, and whom I trust. Yeah, the consequences. Seven words, one short sentence, writ large on a blackboard and on my heart and soul. I am free.
My husband used to tell me that my impressions of something—often his behavior—were “only my perception”. I heard that so many times, during infidelities, during times when I commented on his differential treatment of his children and my children. There were to be no “our” children, but I had agreed to that before we married, so I couldn’t push the issue. Over the months and years of psychological put-downs, referring to the way I looked at things to be “just my perception”, I began to doubt my judgment, felt inadequate, and wondered how he could love such a person who continued to have erroneous perceptions.
I started working for a friend of my husband who was conducting a research study and he needed some help with handling the data. I had no experience, so he (my new boss) suggested I take a class in Fortran. That was fun, let me tell you! NOT! Since I was taking one class in the morning, I decided to take another one on the alternate afternoons. Sociology 101 seemed like just the ticket, and it was reinforced by the fact that my husband knew the woman professor and liked her.
I remember that it was the first day of class, and when the students were coming into the class, the professor was writing in large letters across the entire width of the blackboard this sentence: Anything perceived is real in its consequence. ANYTHING PERCEIVED IS REAL IN ITS CONSEQUENCE. My heart beat harder, my breath quickened, and at that moment, I began to grow. Why had I never known this? Why didn’t I realize that on my own, without being told? But most of all—thank God I just learned this!
It took just a few years after that and some intensive sessions with a psychotherapist, but that sentence started me on a journey to selfhood, a sense of freedom and autonomy that I’d never had. Anything perceived is real in its consequence. Wow! OK, tell me that the fact that you’re staying out later and later and that a woman keeps calling you is just my perception and that she’s just a client. Yeah, my perception. Not only was the perception my own reality, it was reality. I learned to trust my gut, now that I disallowed the psychological abuse of “it’s only your perception”.
I went back to school full time after a bit, graduated Summa Cum Laude from SUNY Buffalo, and after our divorce, I received an M.A. from the same university.
I trust my perceptions. They are my reality, and what I perceive leads to what I do, how I behave, and whom I trust. Yeah, the consequences. Seven words, one short sentence, writ large on a blackboard and on my heart and soul. I am free.
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